girl at large

This Again

Me: I’m exhausted. I sleep all day and am still exhausted.
Radiation Oncologist: Fatigue is normal after treatment.

Me: I forget things, I can’t focus, I feel like a constant failure at work, I’m easily overwhelmed.
Therapist: Try making lists.

Me: My nails are still brittle and cracking down to the quick. 
Nurse: Oh nails are the worst, they take the longest to go back to normal after chemo.

Me: My joints ache so much and I feel weak. 
Physical Therapist: Do your exercises!

Me: My tongue is gross. 
No one: nothing, because I didn’t tell anyone about that, ick.

Me: I’ve gained ten pounds really fast. 
Oncologist: So good to have your appetite back!

My period: Vanishes, then stays for twenty days.
OB/GYN: Let’s do a transvaginal ultrasound and then a hysteroscopy!

Me: I am more depressed than before.
Psychiatrist: Let’s try adding a new med.

Me: I’m cold all the time, I can’t get warm. 
Husband: I turned up the heat. 

Me: Maybe we can just double check and do a thyroid test?
My thyroid: IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME

 

*I have radiation-induced hypothyroidism. The radiation field for breast cancer can often get close to the thyroid gland and cause this problem. My radiation treatment was even higher up the neck and literally aimed directly at the damn thing, so who knows why I wasn’t screened more proactively…Anyway, it’s a relief to know. I started medication tonight, see you in 4-6 weeks, I’m going to bed. Also, it took awhile to get the blood test because I WAS TOO TIRED TO GO.

How Blue Is The Sky There?

I have an email account for Felix just for the purpose of two apps, a by-product of Covid remote school. Sometimes I look at it to see what it’s like to have an empty inbox.

To feel the cool, fresh breeze against my brain. The nothingness, the sweet calm.

No one asking “Did you get my last email?”. No one reminding me to resend the attachment that was, in fact, attached. Not a need to reply “per my last email..highlight highlight highlight”. No chains of Reply All that have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR MY JOB. 

What is that like? What color is the sky there? Are the birds always singing? When I see the blankness of that screen, I hear birds. Sweet sweet birds.

Unsend Unsend Unsend

I use my work calendar as my personal calendar too, for tracking appointments and school events, things like that. And doctors appointments, lots of doctors appointments. I copy or “invite” Paulie to them so we can arrange pick ups, etc. Very handy for the usual family logistics.

Today I was double checking my schedule when I noticed that I had invited a Paul to my gynecologist appointment next week. A Paul. Not MY Paul.

To my gynecologist appointment. That I had titled “Kate’s Coochie Check Up”.

I invited a CUSTOMER.

AND HE ACCEPTED.

 

In The Company of Dangerous Men

You were arrogant, and set me up to be attacked. You literally lay in wait for your moment to belittle me, a stranger to you.

You enjoyed being superior. 

You, who do not know me at all or our company’s history or policies, called me a hypocrite.

 

You opened our relationship with an attack that you enjoyed doing. Your body language (leaning back in position of power, tapping my business card, legs crossed) said I’m pulling a power play and I’m enjoying it. 

 

Me, in the position of lesser power because I am your guest, I am trying to keep your companies business and I make my living literally by whether or not you buy from me, AND because I’m a woman, had few choices.

 

When I tried politely to tell you what it was like to be us, how you were WRONG, you spoke over me, interrupted me and argued meaningless points like “stormed out” vs “walked out”.

 

At one point, in pathetic desperation, you pointed your finger at me and accused me of being biased. Why? Because I lumped you and your companion in the same category, the category that suffers from so much bias (eye roll). That category is “rude people”. If you don’t rein in your companion’s atrociously bad behavior, guess what, you are also guilty.

 

You took every opportunity to prove your weak WRONG point, and didn’t consider for a moment that you could be wrong until I showed a visible emotional reaction, stood up to leave and told you that I couldn’t work with you.

 

Only when threatened with me quitting/firing you did you stop to consider my position.

 

When you did apologize you didn’t apologize for your initial behavior or your behavior at our meeting but for “causing you stress”. A classic move, blaming my reaction to the problem instead of owning your WRONGNESS. You made it about my feelings instead of your feelings which were superiority, inferiority (because making this point was so important to you I assume you are actually quite insecure in your own abilities) and power. You literally looked satisfied when you used the word hypocrisy. It was delicious to you. You enjoyed making someone else feel discomfort and fear.

 

You were so committed to being right that you then continued to bring up another point, this one truly meaningless, just to stick it to me. Pointing out a minor website error benefits nothing except your own sense of self importance. When I said you probably have to do a hard refresh to see the update you then went BACK TO YOUR OFFICE TO DO THAT just to prove me wrong. I said well, maybe it just got missed, it’s not a big deal.

 

When I checked later, because the website is also my responsibility among all the other jobs I have to do to keep our business rolling through crises after crises (one of which has been exacerbated by anti-maskers like your buddy), it turns out you are WRONG AGAIN. I said do a HARD refresh, which is different than just refreshing your browser. The error you referred to was indeed already updated at the time of our meeting. Of course, it was my own insecurity that made me double check. Here I was, reacting to you, taking my precious time to double check a minor error WHICH DOES NOT MATTER.

 

It only mattered as a tool for you to again show your arrogant superiority over me and make me uncomfortable while trapped in your presence.

 

You are an asshole.

 

 

Seriously?

Covid limbo work times have been interesting, and odd. We are busier than we have been in months.  Eighteen months of pent up demand has been unleashed all at once. Also unleashed—every bad customer’s bad behavior. 

This week I had a live chat customer who asked a question that required a little research. I asked if I could email them the answer later in the day.

”I prefer not to give out my email address”.

Um, ok. Bwaaaahaaaa. On my side of the LiveChat interface I can see their IP address, how many times they’ve visited the website, what pages they’ve visited and for how long…and a live map of their location.

But ok, keep that email to yourself. 

Little Wins

Last spring, as we settled into a work-from-home, school-from-home, freak out-from-home routine, I often felt helpless. Helpless to stop the pandemic, helpless to keep my job afloat, helpless to keep my parents and in-laws safe…I knew how to hunker down; the 24 hour domestic family maintenance wasn’t hard. It was a lot like maternity leave, which still felt recent.

But the unknown. The uncertainty. The lack of answers for the kids. I didn’t know what to do. One evening early on, I gave the kids donuts in bed because I thought we might all die and that would be a nice final treat. I wanted to comfort them like that scene in Titanic when a mom tucks her two littles into bed. Dramatic I know, but in the early days we didn’t know how it spread, didn’t know how deadly it was, didn’t know anything except that someone I worked with died in his bed after feeling ill just a few days.  Anything was possible, including the worst. And for many many many, the worst is exactly what happened. 

Most mornings, we walked the kids over to Mom’s. Felix tried his scooter. He fell. He walked it some days. Other days he scooted a bit. And then, one dappled day, he was gliding down the block.

I cried. It was the most beautiful thing I had seen in a very long, anxious time. He was free, like a scene in The Ice Storm when the girl glides her bike down the hill, unaware her mother is watching with awe and envy.

Today, more than a year later, we are safer and yet still unsure. The unknowns are more unknown.  Sandwiched between the start of the pandemic and whatever phase this is now, was also cancer and loss. Every day has been a singular challenge.

And also today, out at the playground, Felix tried his bicycle. He rode in a sweeping arc, smooth and free. It’s most gorgeous video I have ever seen.

A bit dramatic, I know, but Mama never learned. And I’m so damn proud. 

You Are Not Entitled To My Life

“I’ll need you to be masked”

“That’s ok you can wear a mask”

“I know, but I also need you to wear a mask”

“You need ME to wear a mask?”

”Yes”.

”We can talk about that back in my office”

“I’m not meeting with anyone who's not masked, just like my email explained. I’m immune compromised, I’m a cancer patient”.

“I’m a cancer survivor too. And I’ve already had it”

“I’m in active treatment. Please wear a mask”

”It’s a pain”

”It’s my life”

“Fine”. Asks receptionist for a mask.

“The mask they gave me sucks, I’ll have to go to my car to get a better one.”

“Ok, I’ll wait right here for you.”

“Sorry but I despise masks”

 

Thanks for valuing my life less than your mild discomfort.

Rebound

I was out at a customer visit this week, the first time in a long time. It’s still awkward, I’m rusty at my in person communication, especially with new clients. Of course some new clients are also rusty with their manners, but that’s another story.

But my selling muscles will return, and now that demand is finally coming back too, the timing of my physical healing couldn’t be better. I am so grateful for that timing. Feeing physically better as the weather warmed up and being able to work as the office world wakes up has been a gift.

Me and Milwaukee are on the rebound. Also, there’s some sort of sports thing going on.

Some Days

Some days, you wonder if being a working mom has cost your kids something. Some days you wonder if it’s cost YOU something. Some days you wonder if not joining the clubs, not doing the sports, if skipping the extra classes and early music/art/language classes has cost your child something or will put them behind.

Some days you wonder if you really should have that fear of losing out everyone else seems to have. Did I do enough? Should we have started piano/soccer/gymnastics/swimming lessons by now?

Am I the worst parent ever for doing Saturday pancakes instead of Saturday sports? Some days the outside pressure to perform as a parent delivers a lot of internal guilt and self doubt...

...some days, your daycare sends proof! Bwaaahaaaaaaaaaa

Legendary

Halloween 2020 is testing the creative powers of parents across the country.

Tonight I’m thinking about my greatest parenting triumph when at seven o’clock on a work night we made a Batman costume from household items (including a tarp, duct tape, construction paper and shoelaces) in ten minutes so Viv could go to the elementary school monster mash party at the very last minute and then promptly take it all off to jump around in a cafeteria with a throng of sweaty seven year olds.

We did not take a single fucking picture.

So, here is photo of Viv the year before, as Frankenstein’s monster.

 

In No One We Trust

I had a blind spot.

I wear a mask all day at work, we require our customers to do so too, and we control the entry to the store to keep capacity low. We only see my mom outdoors, and with masks on. We’ve cancelled every trip, even Elkhart Lake because the hotel didn’t have a mask policy for guests. We haven’t set foot in a store or a restaurant since March. Paulie is working from home indefinitely. Viv’s two-week day camp doesn’t allow contact with parents, requires masks when indoors (yes for the kids too), does temperature checks and screening. Viv’s regular summer daycare has the same tight procedures—no parents in the building, masks, no crossover with groups of kids, temperature checks and screening.

Charlie.

Charlies daycare, which we started back five weeks ago, just didn’t ramp up the way I expected. Their occupancy when we started was super low, and I saw masks on about half the parents. When I saw an unmasked parent, I just waited in the car to time my pick up or drop off after they exited. They had hand sanitizing stations, closed early for daily cleaning, and a list of covid protocols that included social distancing, no room crossing, etc.

But the two biggies—controlling entry in the building and masks. On those they seemed to drag their feet. I kept nudging; I asked, I wrote. When I sent a list of my concerns, especially compared to the two other centers we experienced doing it better, they only made the two smallest changes on my list. They buried their response to the mask question in a technical non-answer four paragraphs down. As the numbers continued to rise these last two weeks my gut said something isn’t right.

But my heart.

My heart just didn’t want it to be true. My heart kept saying:

We love Miss V. Charlie loves Miss V.

I want him to have that same experience in her room that Viv had.

We love Miss K and Miss C and Miss A. They know him, they care about him. They know his stubbornness and laugh at his silliness. And Miss S! Miss S who recorded story time EVERY DAY for weeks during shut down! 

He needs the interaction, he needs to see his playmates.

He’s so much better since he’s been back! Behavior, attitude, resiliency!

He’s so much happier and energetic.

He loves his playmates, he talks about them all the time and is so happy to see them every morning.

He needs the routine.

I don’t want to abandon my friends. My co-parents. (Daycare providers are our co-parents.)

 

I kept thinking, maybe just need more time to get it, they will see the writing on the wall with the numbers. Maybe they have good reasons, maybe I just don’t understand, maybe there’s something they know that I don’t? (about daycare regulations). These people take care of my family. They are part of my family structure. They are trusted. But, but...why is the director not wearing a mask? Why is the owner dodging my questions? 

The day that we finally said, nope, they have to adopt masks or we will pull him out, the day that we had finally decided was our deadline, was the literal day that they had a teacher test positive. One of Charlie’s teachers. 

As I communicated more these past two distressing days with other parents and teachers, it became clear that we were not alone in our concerns. And that we had been misled. They had not been truthful when I asked if other parents had concerns. It is clear they had no intention of ever adopting a mandatory mask policy. In fact, in the days just prior to the positive case, they had received an exception to the City of Milwaukee mask mandate that they had ACTIVELY APPLIED FOR. 

When we picked Charlie up, in total crisis mode, I asked the OWNER of the center, “Why no masks!?”

She replied “Well, we encourage masks”, as she handed me the Close Contact Exposure notice from the health department

”Will you make them mandatory now? Now that you HAVE A POSITIVE CASE? They reduce transmission!” I screamed, unable to contain my rage.

”Well, it depends what you read, not everyone believes...” Believes. That word.

This is the insidious danger. This woman, who controls the livelihoods of 20+ people, who had power over the well-being of 40+ families and children, doesn’t BELIEVE in masks.

And that failure to understand science, that failure to trust experts, that failure to see your community and employees and clients as worth taking extra precautions for, that failure to see your organization as part of the larger fabric of society has broken our lives.

And our hearts.

 

--------

(7/21 Update and Clarification: they applied for an exception to the City of Milwaukee mask mandate for children age 3. They complied with the City of Milwaukee ordinance for adults (staff, teachers, parents) to wear masks IN ONLY THEIR LOCATION THAT FELL UNDER THAT ORDINANCE. They did not apply that same protocol to their other locations, because, as they repeated in two emails and a phone call, our location's municipality did not have an ordinance). 

Scary New World, Same Idiots

I went out beyond my house yesterday for the first time in many weeks. My exciting adventures out into the world have never before had such a modest destination. How did it feel? What thrilling things did I experience? First, I have forgotten how to drive. And Brown Deer Road is still uuuuuuugly.

When the governor relaxed some restrictions for retail businesses last week, I was extremely nervous. I felt pushed to move faster than I could be ready for, it moved the timeline up by two weeks. But I was coming around, with every preparation it got easier to imagine a store being open. And now finally having help (PPP funding means my furloughed coworkers are back!), I felt a bit better that it could be done safely. I was beginning to see the path.

Then, wham, the court knocked down the Stay At Home order, and people got stupid. 

Driving out to the shop I saw many groups of clustered people, very few masks, stores open, clumps of people waiting in unspaced lines and inside small stores, non-family groups walking...a city-wide rush to be alive. All made worse by a sunny day.

Driving down three commercial strips I could see many examples of good Covid and bad Covid practices in action, sometimes right next to each other.

Crowds of people waiting inside closed doors at the Jimmy Johns? Not good. A cluttered second hand junk stop with no clear shopping path? Not good. Groups of friends outside catching up and loving on a neighbors puppy dog? Nice, but not good. The lake must be the new destination for lesbian couples because no way dozens of pairs of walking ladies are all each related.

You know why I get upset when I see someone out without a mask? Because even though yes, you probably don’t need it on a solitary walk, I don’t know your plans.

I don’t know when I might turn a corner and my solitary walk bumps face first into your solitary walk. I don’t know if you have a mask in your pocket and just needed a break. I don’t know if you aren’t wearing one because you forgot it, or because you don’t care about the risks to yourself and others. No mask leaves so many questions.
Wearing a mask says you’ve taken the time, the effort to be safer. It takes effort to get one or make one, it takes priveledge in many cases. A mask is a sign that you’re taking this seriously and I can trust you. And if you are privileged, helllloooo my white lady neighbors...who the fuck do you think you are not to wear one? Oh right, that says exactly who you are.

Back to my drive...from the road I could see that Traders Joes has it right, with spots marked outside where folks were waiting 6’ apart (actually looked like maybe 8’). I felt confident that I could go there and be as safe as possible. (If I ever dared into a grocery store again. I have got the online ordering & random night time delivery thing down, love it, might never go back).  The risks are too high, the chances too random to allow myself to feel anything but secure.

But that’s just my concern for myself and my family. What about the employees? The staff that have to be there to serve and corral the reckless? Try to manage customers and sanitation when the company didn’t get them enough equipment or instructions? Who do you think you are to put your need for a sandwich above their health and safety? Who are these corporations that have opened without proper training, supplies, and support? I won’t be a part of that. If my destination doesn’t do it right, I’m not going.

As you can see, I even like my parking socially distanced.

 

Timing Is Everything

(Delivery truck and crew by Viv, circa 2018)

Pro Tip: when supporting small and mid-sized businesses, keep to the services and products they have OFFERED. Don’t ask for more. Don’t ask for an exception. Don’t ask for shit Karen. 

The phased back to work plan can work, but only if we observe all the safety guidelines. The next phase can’t happen is the first phase fails.

Don’t assume everyone has the capabilities to meet those safety procedures right this minute. Just because they technically CAN do business doesn’t mean they are READY to do business.

Many businesses laid off and furloughed their staff.  Bringing staff back too soon is financially risky, and not the right decision for folks who make $50k or less. Many staff CAN’T come back because they have underlying health conditions or are caring for their own families. Or they don’t want to because they know their job functions are inherently risky or that their employer may not be capable of making their work environment safe. Or they may just not be ready to come back for WHATEVER DAMN REASON THEY HAVE THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS ACTUALLY.

Businesses literally probably cannot physically do more than what they offered you. Be grateful.

The World on Fire

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. We say that and then something worse happens. I began this blog because of 9/11. 

This is worse. Worse personally because I have more to lose. Professionally because I have more responsibility. Emotionally because I also lost a friend to fucking murder last week. And for the world, because it involves the entire world. (Though the fallout of the wars after 9/11 would also qualify but who’s keeping track).

In trying to make sense of what we are facing with this virus, I’ve been overwhelmed by the scientific information, underwhelmed by the government response, and feel generally confused.

The post copied below really helped me today.

I was finally successful in quitting smoking years ago because I heard a radio snippet beautifully describing what is actually happening to your lungs during morning cough. The lungs sweepers are waking up and sweeping out the junk like seaweed in the waves and when you take that first delicious morning smoke, that puts them to sleep and they wilt and stop working and that is why the cough subsides.

This firebreak analogy speaks to me in the same powerful way:

——————————-

 

Hi Friends:  It has been a week since my last post.  If you understood it, you realize that the increasing numbers of people with Covid 19 in the US are what we would have expected.  We have had an escalation of interventions as a reaction to the numbers which might give us pause to think we are worse off.  This is not true.  If you shoot an arrow, it takes time to hit the target.  If you intervene in a pandemic, it takes 4 weeks to know if the intervention was successful. On March 9th, the cover of the New Yorker showed our president with a mask over his eyes. Since then, the arrows have been launched..  Let me provide an example of what is happening that I hope helps you understand our current situation.

 

Imagine a huge forest.  Lightening hits a tree, a fire starts and begins to grow.  Smoke is seen but no sky jumpers are sent in because the lookout person is probably exaggerating. (This is the point at which we could have confined the virus).   The fire grows out in all directions getting larger and larger.   It becomes impossible to ignore and the decision is made to create a firebreak.  The firebreak needs to encircle the entire fire. Measures are taken and creation of the firebreak is underway.  (Increased testing, social distancing, and closing public places) The bosses know the fire is increasing, and nothing can be done to save the trees between the firebreak and the flames.  (The current numbers we are seeing).  Will their intervention hold?  As the fire comes closer, the bosses question whether it is big enough to hold back the umrelenting inferno.  They evacuate houses on the non-fire side (Telling people at high risk to stay home and call for extra help.)  The bosses recognize that when the fire hits the firebreak, sparks will fall all over the forest and they will need to be aggressive in trying to put them out.(Without testing, the sparks are landing and we do not know where to start stomping them out.)  If there are too many new fires started, the firebreak only slows things down but still allows time for more help to arrive in the form of more weapons (Testing, drugs(Remdesivir is going into a large study) and vaccines) or rain (Summertime and the realization that the vast majority of trees will withstand the fire, i.e. big Minnesota pines survive and then release pine cones only after heat! )

 

Our fire, Covid 19, is a nasty bug that first emerged in an outdoor open marketplace in Wuhan, China in early December.  The person who contracted the virus unfortunately got on a subway in a metropolis of 11 million people. The virus was officially recognized when 41 people came down with pneumonia 27 of whom had been in this same market and 14 from other parts of the city.  On Jan 1, China informed the World Health Organization (WHO) and closed the market. CV 19 then spread from Wuhan to a cruise ship, to a megachurch in South Korea and to a mosque in Iran. The germ loves crowds and hitching rides on asymptomatic people. Italy went from 3 dead to 3000 in one month. 

 

In three weeks or so, we should be able to see if our current actions, our firebreak (Social distancing and school closings etc.) have helped.   Nothing has happened this week in the U.S. that was unexpected with regard to the number of people infected. All of these infections are the result of our past inaction.

 

So, what to do? Try to ignore the daily heat being generated in the media.  Limit your TV watching of news and social media because it is designed to increase anxiety. There is a lot of nonsense, too.  NPR is calm and does a nice summary.  (Yesterday’s newscast ended with a performance by Yo Yo Mah, the famed cellist.  ‘Songs of Comfort’ provides a way to use the arts as a positive resource in times of crisis). If you are restricted to a home quarantine, stay put along with anyone who lives with you. (My suggestion.)  Interestingly, we are in a phase where the absolute risk of an individual contracting Covid 19 in the next three weeks is low. (The fire is small compared to the forest).  The reason we have built a firewall is to eliminate the possibility of a person with Covid 19 from passing it on to others.  If restricted to home… learn from the cloistered nuns.  Set up a daily schedule of routines. For example,  I no longer have a swimming pool to go to, so I started Yoga. Joan is learning the Ukulele.  Bake bread.  The Washington Post reminds us that Isaac Newton had to leave the university in 1665 because of a plague.  He went to a farm to think.  It was during this time that he began his work in calculus, theories on gravity and light. Thinking and research at home may lead to something.  Have your uninfected neighbors help you by bringing supplies to your doorstep when they go out.  (Work out a neighborhood system).

 

The average incubation period for Covid 19 is about six days, and the main symptoms last on average six days.  Then recovery. The average time to hospitalization from onset of symptoms is about six days and marked with shortness of breath and fever. If you have symptoms of “flu” at this stage in the epidemic, you probably do have the flu, and not Covid 19. It would be nice to have testing available to find out and we will soon.  The recognized cases will rise as we do more testing and stop missing mild cases.  the death rate is the number to watch regarding progress.  Four weeks from now, we will see if we have slowed this thing down. It will be brutal for awhile.   It is hard watching a maelstrom rushing toward you hoping the firebreak will hold. We live with anxiety or faith.  Personally, I do believe I hear planes coming with lots of fire retardants!

 

If you want to imagine killing the nasty virus, imagine doing this experiment.  Fill a sink with water.  Pour some cooking oil over the water’s surface.  Then add one drop of liquid soap.  Instantly, the oil’s film will disappear.  Just like a virus membrane!  That is what soap does to this virus.  Wash your hands frequently and always for 20 seconds to get that soap in all the little crevices.   In the end, there is no doubt, Covid 19, the fire, will end, and we will move on. We will be funding NIH and CDC a lot more! I hope these thoughts provide additional context for whatever you are experiencing and help with your understanding.  (John Bachman Facebook 3/19/20)

This Is Your Brain On Anxiety

Mama, making pancakes: “Viv, is it one egg or two? I can never remember”

Viv: “One. It’s one egg.”

Charlie, running past at top speed, naked:  “Or TWO, maybe TWO!”

On Rage

It's been a tough week. After yet another well-meaning person displayed lack of insight on the subject of Kavanaugh's impending appointment to the Supreme Court, I'm exhausted. Three times I said "or, it could just be enough that he assaulted someone". Three times, and still the return comment was "yeah, but also he's a drunk, and he lied, and...". Yes. I get it, all those things are also true. But why wave your hand and shoo away the sexual assault? Why is that not enough? And why, as I stand here saying to your face, very clearly, that it SHOULD be enough, can you not stop and hear me? Hear me, as a woman, as a person who is affected, who has experienced this, and take it in. Listen.

Every time you say "Aside from the  sexual assault allegations, he's also unqualified because xyz"...What you're saying is that credible sexual assault allegations aren't enough to disqualify someone from a position of power and influence. And I can't hear that shit anymore. CREDIBLE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS ARE ENOUGH TO DISQUALIFY ANYONE FROM A JOB. When will we be heard? Every single time someone says "Why didn't they say anything?", this is the perfect example. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER. ALSO WE DID SAY SOMETHING AND YOU DISMISSED IT IN THIS AND A HUNDRED OTHER WAYS. Well-meaning men have been doing this kind of thing all week, and even my favorite well-meaning male allies can just eat it right now on that. Thank you and that is all.

A Seat At The Table

Each article, each radio interview, every profile featuring women running for office, women winning elections, women leading boards, and women leadership in general right now is stoking my rage. Why? Because the popular angle is “women are good for business”, “women do things differently so they are better” and all that lean in crap. Even if the studies aren’t flawed, even if the premise isn’t condescending, why the fuck should it matter?

Why do we need to prove our worth? Our capabilities? Our profitability? Why must we apologize for taking our seat at the table? Why do I need to convince you that my female presence is not only harmless, but beneficial to you? What if it isn’t beneficial? What if women are just as fallible and human as men? What if we get greedy, can be corrupt, can be inept, can be wrong; do we then get expelled?

Women are half the population, women are human beings, women are engines of the economy, makers of humans. WOMEN EXIST. That is reason enough to demand representation at every level in the government that rules us, the institutions that affect us and the corporations that profit from our labor.

Period. Ditto everyone that isn’t a straight white man. 

All The Little Things

 

When I wore my favorite dress on my birthday and forgot that the fourth grade teacher did "birthday spankings". He made me crawl through the "spank machine" of my classmates legs as they paddled my bottom, at the end of the tunnel he put me on his lap, lifted my dress and spanked my bottom.

 

When the gym teacher asked if I could "run with those things".

When my freshman (high school) roommate came over to my bed while I was sleeping, woke me up and made me pretend to give her finger a blow job in front of her gaggle of friends to humiliate me.

Every single time someone said "but you have such a pretty face".

When the doctor, during my very first pelvic exam, slapped my thigh and said "What are we going to do about these saddle bags?"

When the school president asked "Which one is the smart one and which one is the pretty one?"

The time the guy started to go anal without asking.

The time the guy creeped his hand over to caress my thigh while his other hand was holding the hand of his girlfriend on my couch.

The time the two male business partners started talking about a female vendor: "How could someone that good looking smell so bad" as we waited for the meeting to begin. When the next party arrived, who was male and not their employee, they stopped talking.

The time a grown man pinned a sixteen year old me against the pole on a crowded train car and rubbed himself against my backside until he was yelled at and ran off at the next stop.

Every single time someone assumed that fat is an insulator from assault and a barrier to love.

 

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Fall Back

Viv was born five years ago, or just yesterday, depending on how much sleep you've gotten. My emotions have been heavy these past weeks, heavier each passing week as the daylight dwindles. Fall does a number on my body clock, disrupting my sleep, which then in turn chips away at my emotional fortitude. In a typical year this is a speed bump, easily countered with walks and a sun lamp. This year, I am crushed.

Viv's birthday party was so important to me; not just because we only do "big celebrations" on the 5's and 0's, but because this has just been such a crap year. A big failure at work kept me away from the kids both physically and emotionally for six months of the past year; the regret is hitting hard now. At the time, I was just heads down to power through it. Now that it's over, I look back and am newly overwhelmed with regret for agreeing to something that in my gut I knew was wrong for me. But the fear of losing my work, losing clients, losing status during such a vulnerable time overpowered me. (Anyone who experienced the financial disaster, got laid off, foreclosed, or has been on maternity leave knows this fear well). We have a long way to go in understanding how to support parents returning to work in our culture, including inside our own heads.

I think maybe, it could be possible, there's a chance...I was trying to make up for a perceived lack of attention with a big to-do for her 5th birthday. I spent a lot of time arranging and fussing and worrying about it being good enough. As luck would have it, she had an amazing time putting on each and every pair of the ten pack of Sesame Street socks that her Aunt Peg gave her. Because she's five. And it's her birthday, and why not?

As I work to build my own family, I am navigating emotions that are really the lingering shadows of emotions I had years ago. When Viv started kindergarten, I was completely blindsided; just being in a school building (and interacting with administrators) brought a wave of unexpected negative feelings. Everyone claims to have had a hard time in school, do we really have to experience it twice?

And that's just my own, small internal world; let's dive into the emotional exhaustion that is the rest of the world and all it's suffering. I am struggling to fully live the lovely moments that are my happy family life, the completely normal, mundane interactions with coworkers and customers and shop keepers and neighbors that keep happening despite the staccato reports of disaster, chaos, injury, violence, terror, and death of innocents.

How can I enjoy the innocence of these soft and curious creatures in my house without the intrusive thoughts of the random misery inflicted on others? Others so like me. And us. And this house of coffee and cartoons on Sunday morning.

Forgive me for crying. Where the fuck is the sun?

 

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My Balance Is My Own Damned Business

 
                                                                                                                                                                                 

"By a show of hands, how many here this morning are married?" "Again by a show of hands, how many of you have kids?"

This is not a family event. This is not a parenting class. This is not a working parent support group. These are the OPENING LINES of a PROFESSIONAL WOMEN'S DEVELOPMENT event. Professional Development. As in business, the workplace, professions. As in growth, learning, development.

I should have had a clue from the start at my table. The ice breaker activity was answering the question "What is the best thing that happened to you this week?". I was running about five minutes behind the rest of the group (having stood outside the daycare at 6:55 am, dropped Viv off when they opened at 7 am, and then hauled across the county to attend the 7:45 am event), so as I sat down with coffee, I cheerfully shared my big win of the week. Up for a long-shot, very large-dollar project bid, a junior member of my sales team had just got word that we won the deal. When she called to tell me, I had to hold the phone away from my ear because she was yelling so loud with excitement. It was a big moment for the company, a big moment for the team, a huge moment for her. And I was thrilled to be her coach.

"So, that was a pretty rewarding win this week". Smile, head nod, next.

Gal next to me, at this moment a complete stranger: "But Kate, what was your personal win this week?"

"Um, actually, I've spent a lot of time coaching her so for me it was a personal win." Roll eyes, turn to hear the introduction of the keynote speaker. I thought, well, that was awkward, but let's see what the keynote has to offer.

It did not get better.

Line three of her presentation was "You can have it all". Um, we are all working women, and now we know which of us has kids. It's 7:55 am. We are all here. At a work event. Please, tell us something we don't know. It would factually appear that we do know how to "have it all". What even is that? That is not a thing.

When do male-dominated or mixed-gender BUSINESS EVENTS ask such questions? They don't. Don't get me started on the rambling, self-obsessed drivel that was a presentation on how she got to where she is, which is the Bench. Ok, I'll start, here's a sampling:

" A lot of women have to work these days, I mean houses are expensive. Everything is expensive". "My brother's wife raised her kids to be stay at home moms, they got pregnant young, out of wedlock, then got married and then got divorced. One got remarried, and he's very supportive and now shes back in school but shes so far behind. I mean, education is so important". "All my kids are going to college, they are going to college no matter what. Don't get me wrong, for some kids it's trade school. And that's fine. College can mean so many things. But my kids are all going to college. And I can't say enough good things about Google Calendar, it's a must."

PROFESSIONAL WOMEN'S DEVELOPMENT.

Subtleties

Me, fixing a pink Disney doll toy thingy: "Remember Vivi, 'Princess' is not an occupation".

Paulie: "Uh um, you're watching 'Say Yes to the Dress'".

Me: "Remember Vivi, life is complicated..."

 

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The ACLU People Power (their first grassroots organization) launch yesterday covered a lot of ground. First and most importantly, I became a member. Second, the subject that most resonated with me was the framing of the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) as an anti-discrimination law. It abolished discrimination in healthcare based on GENDER. It abolished discrimination based on HEALTH STATUS (pre-existing conditions including pregnancy). It mandated birth control coverage, ensuring the medical needs of women are treated the same under the law. Dismantling the ACA is an act of discrimination. Dismantling it defunds Planned Parenthood, a service needed by women. It dramatically reduces and CAPS Medicaid funding, which disproportionally and discriminatorily affects Americans with disabilities. Viewing it this way has me fired up to fight the GOPs discriminatory, regressive agenda with refreshed conviction!

47, 4, 4 months

Yes, those are birthday candles in corn muffins. October is a month of milestones. Paulie turned 47, Vivi turned 4, and Charlie grew into his 4th month. Celebrations would be nice, but an organized gathering, an organized anything (!), seems out of our reach these days.

Who can bake a cake and make dinner and wrap presents and what presents? who picks up the kids and we're out of diapers and Viv needs a haircut and am I still nursing and I have to work in Chicago tomorrow and go get milk again at Walgreens.....Mostly, we are keeping our heads above water.

But in a quiet Sunday morning, at last, I can reflect. And all three of my people are asleep. Thank god.

 

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Universal Truths

Vivi: "What does mama do at work?"

Paulie: "She sells furniture"

Vivi: "But mama needs to do work"

Paulie: "She does, that is her work"

Vivi:  "But mama needs help at work".

Paulie: "She has help from her co-workers"

Vivi: "But no one listens to mama"!

Holiday Hangover

It has been two solid weeks of parties, presents and baked goods. The Christmas tree is on the curb, we've binge-watched another tv series, and I'm sick of cooking. I can't wait to get back in to work tomorrow!

 

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Favorite Tools

An ode to a stapler

I still have the box of imported staples (still a few staples left!) to go with my Folle...my favorite part is the face on the strike plate.

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Appreciation Under Duress

I thought it was bad when the daycare sent home a list of instructions for "child week" last month---wear this color on that day, dress up as your favorite character, and more. I have enough to do ---work, baby, home. Do I really need assignments for my six month old? But I thought, it's only one week, it can't be that bad.

And then another note arrived in my daycare "in box". This time, it's Teacher Appreciation week. Complete with instructions on writing the required note to the teachers and participating in the pot luck (with food or check---a blatant request for a check?!). I don't like forced appreciation. I was all for bringing in some cookies for the ladies and writing a thank you note to the director who is leaving for another position soon, but that was before I was informed of my obligation to do it!

Of course, Viv is appreciative, and a considerate child, so she wrote her letter:

 

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Who Would Have Guessed?

More than 10 years ago, Paul was working at this custom-built workstation designed by his then co-worker, now design "god" Scott Wilson (http://www.mnml.com/).

Today, my company is decommissioning that office. TQ asked Paulie today if he wants to save one of the desks from the landfill--"it's perfect for the basement". Paulie is thrilled. I'm in awe. How small, and perfect, is our world?

 

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Home Sweet ...What Did You Say?

The call came in. The counter offer is a good one, well within our budget. Paul asks me, "What do you think? Do you want it?"

I reply, with what I think is a romantic meaningful look, happy tears in my eyes: "It's not what I thought I wanted, but then again, neither were you."

I have no idea why he stays with me. But now I know we'll be staying in a house we own together!

 

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Not Guilty

I returned to work, only part-time for the month of December, yesterday.

Everyone, and by everyone I mean everyone, including my dental hygienist, has asked "How are you?", "Are you ok?", "How are you handling it?". Imagine the accompanying head tilt and sympathetic expression.

I have not entered my child into a gulag. I have delivered her to a facility that is designed and dedicated to the care of children, with the backing of the state, county, city and the respected YMCA organization. It is regulated, licensed and inspected. There are FOUR ladies committed to her care in a lovely, toy and baby equipment-filled room with only a few other infants. They each have degrees in child development, training in infant CPR, certificates galore and ongoing education requirements.

I have a GED and a functioning uterus. I should have dropped the kid off weeks ago!

Cousin Jack Sums It Up

J:Hey Kate, I gotta tell you something you should already know.
K: What's that Jack?
J: You've got a big day coming up.
K: What day is that?
J: Um hello, PREGNANT!! Duh!! (big gesture pointing at my belly) So, when are you going to have it already?
K: Not sure, could be any day now.
J: Are you going to have it here at OFR?
K: I don't think so, but what do you think if I did, would that be hilarious or what?
J: I bet you'd get overtime.

Thank you.

Geraldine Ferraro

It never occurred to me that I couldn't do or be anything I wanted because I was a girl. Because I'm unmotivated or incompetent, yes, but never because of my girl-ness. And that was in part because Ms. Ferraro was on the ticket when I was 12 years old.

I distinctly recall thinking "What is the big deal?" In one way, that is wonderfully typical for my generation--many of us don't see the big deal about sex, race, sexual orientation, etc. But let us not forget that it was so different not so long ago, and that for many of our peers around the world, the lack of that freedom is a very big deal.

You Wanna Mess with Me?

Customer complaint: "You either misrepresented the table or sent the wrong one--it's not white. It's off-white. You had better do something about it." It's hard to tell tone in an email, but that had an edge to it to me.

Then, when the business partner called, the edge was crystal clear---he didn't even let me reply to his question or get a word in edgewise. On and on about how the table wasn't white. And my favorite---"And besides, we don't want a used table in the break room for sanitary reasons". Sanitary reasons? Really? 

It is a commercial grade table, for fifty bucks. You asked for a "really cheap, simple table--white would be fine". I sent you a cheap, simple, white table. 

But no bother, I can fix it. I suggested ordering a brand new, custom made table in their choice of WHITE laminate. All agreed that was the best solution, good idea.

And then I overnighted them samples of EVERY SINGLE SHADE OF WHITE LAMINATE available. Tee hee.

Frankenstein's Closet of Technology

I've been limping along with a hodgepodge of damaged devices both at work and home for months. The work lap top is missing the air card and the battery, only one usb port works, and the little hourglass is up so often I am in danger of being hypnotized by it.

My big home eMac died last year; complete with the gut-dropping sad mac face. It's still down in the storage space, I can't bring myself to bring it in and find that everything that was on it can't be recovered. Since then, I've been using the MacBook that mom left behind when she upgraded. It's track pad is broken, the battery won't hold a charge, and there's a dvd permanently stuck in the drive. The big Obama 2008 sticker on the top is heartening, but not helpful.

And you know about the iPhone. The sad, sad story of the iPhone. It took me quite a bit longer than anticipated to reach the goal I had set for myself for replacing it. Yes, I dropped it 2 weeks after I got it, and yes, it's taken 2 years to reach the replace it. 

The Jetta, the poor abused Jetta, is teetering on the edge. One day it's good, cheap transportation. The next, it's a frightening risk ride. At any moment, the transmission (or god knows what else) will complete that strange clanking song with an final kerthunk.

But now it all changes!

A new work laptop arrived on Friday. My co-worker responsible for this great gift wears both an accounting and an IT hat; and though we work well together, he is not huggable. And I am not a workplace hugger. Except that day. I truly got giddy. I think there was a jig. We both got funny looks from the rest of the accounting office. 

Yesterday, I picked up my new shiny MacBook. My aunt gave me the one her son had punched (not a Mac guy!) in frustration, breaking the screen. One replacement screen and power cord later and I have a practically brand new MacBook for under 300 bucks! If anyone has any ideas on how to pay someone for something they refuse to take money for, let me know. This computer is worth way more than a thank you note. 

While I was at the Apple store last week, I inquired about, at last, a replacement iPhone. And found, to my great pleasure, that my AT&T contract is up in 2 weeks! Not only can I get a new iPhone at the reasonable new-contract price, I can get it on Verizon!

And, lastly, the car. It goes into the body shop tomorrow morning for a few repairs (including re-attaching the front bumper). I had been putting off the repairs because it pained me to spend more on fixing it that its blue book value. The body shop I found by accident (it's next door to the doggy daycare) is fantastic. On my estimate, he wrote: "Make a little less ghetto---$300 cash". My kinda place!

Once repaired, it will be traded towards a new car. I doubt I'll get more than tax and title, but it will be the Jetta's last and very appreciated act of service. I haven't found the right car yet (or the right car salesperson!), but I have a feeling that the universe is on my side at the moment. Like all good things, it's going to find me.

 

Austerity Measures

I really want to get the Trailer in time for use next summer...steps must be taken to save the bucks for the trailer, the seasonal site, the fix up, the maintenance....and the For Sale sign when I realize I don't actually like camping after all. 

The recession shows little signs of improvement; I need to do these things Trailer or not. But the goal of the "saving for the Trailer" is so much less depressing than "saving to pay dentist in hopes of keeping teeth from falling out". 

    -Goodbye Sendik's (equivalent to Zupan's, Whole Foods, the gourmet gas station). Hello Trader Joe's!

    -No more Goodwill. This seems counter-intuitive, but I can spend as much at Goodwill as anywhere else...especially at a good one.

    -Downgrade Cable service. Going to basic and giving up the DVR dropped the bill by 1/2! Yes, I miss the DVR, but somehow I found the time this week to clean the bathroom grout. 

    -Move to a smaller, cheaper apartment. Done! 

    -Negotiate everything. I'm learning that asking doesn' t have to be rude or insulting, and that "Don't ask, don't get" is true.

    -No more using coupons! Or discount cards or email offers! Hmmm...had no plans to order from that catalog until I got that coupon in the mail. Had no plans to get that item until I saw that email. And so on.

    -Speaking of email offers...delete my name from every retailer email list. Unsubscribe baby! Until I started doing this, I didn't grasp just how many temptations I was allowing right into my front door as it were. Literally dozens and dozens every week, every day.

    -Use up every single bottle, jar and tube of moisturizer in the house before buying any more. 

    -Bring my lunch. This sounds simple, and I'm told that many people have always done this. But this is a hard habit to develop for the only kid who actually liked "hot lunch" (the nifty divided tray alone!).

    -Sell the overflow of furniture and household stuff from the apartment downsizing on Craigslist and eBay. I sold three things this week already!

    -Cancel all automatic electronic bill payments. Sit down and write a check for each bill, each month. When it's just zapped out of the account I have little control, but worse, it's not real to me. Sitting down and looking at each expense will push me to make better choices and deeper cuts. 

    -Split the cable internet bill with the neighbor and share via wifi. Done! Full disclosure: this was my neighbor's idea.

    -Rent the dog out to bachelors...ok, maybe not. But never say never, anything for the Trailer!

    

    

    

    

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

Ever have one of those days when you make mistake after mistake, perhaps beginning with oj in your coffee? And ending with losing a big-bucks business deal?

I'm having one of those years. I'm swimming in a brand new pond, and though it's been precisely a year and I should feel moderately capable, I'm feeling totally incompetent and worst of all.....like an island in a bay of very busy, very successful know-it-all dolphins.

More proof of my ineptitiude? I just misspelled 'incompetent' three different ways and had to google-check it. Did I just misspell ineptitude?

The Best Part of Getting Fed Up

How I'd like to see that goddamn Folger's ad go:

"Really honey, you want to get married this soon? Are you sure? Why don't you get out there and get a job first, and your own place, or at least start paying rent here. Here, have a cup of coffee and think it over..."

Re-Love My V-Dub

I've been itching for a new car. Which is crazy, I can't afford a new car! And besides, the Jetta has only 73k miles on it! Itch Itch Itch anyway. Longer, warmer days bring a desire for new leather, speedier speed, open sunroofs, etc...I feel like this every year. 

I know exactly the car I want---and precisely just how much I can't afford it yet. I've looked at a few "bridge" cars; good used deals that would be perhaps more reliable and certainly affordable, but they are poor substitutes, compromises. If I'm going to compromise, I'll compromise without a car payment. So, after much thoughtful mature consideration (!), I've decided to "Re-Love My V-Dub".

No matter how much I spend to fix up and spruce up the Jetta, it will always be less than buying a new car. Roughly 50% of what I don't like about the Jetta is the inside half--it is, well, trashed. Ripped seams, missing head rests, broken cup holders, an armrest that pops up at will like a Jack in the Box, missing adjustment knobs, dog hair crumbs and now salt in every nook and cranny. Did I mention the cassette player? CASSETTE player. 

But, I've already invested in a new water pump, timing belt, tensioner, brakes and rotors...she's actually running pretty well. Now that I know how often to add oil. 

So, here is my list of fix's for my little car:

-get it detailed!

-have the seats reupholstered 

-replace melted antenna

-replace taped-together key lock fob thingy

-replace the radio CASSETTE deck with something that will play my ipod, bluetooth both my iphone and blackberry, charge them all--does this exist yet? I can't find it online--suggestions?

-push that hanging-down under bumper bit back in

-have dings and scratches bigger than a breadbox buffed out

-find 2 rear seat headrests

-replace latch in armrest

-get floor mats

-hardwire the Garmin

-replace mirror adjustment knob

-find out why it locks and unlocks itself randomly

-find out why the power windows erratically stop and then reverse when trying to power up

-get remote start 

-figure out what that hunk of trim rolling around in the truck is supposed to be attached to

Grrrrrr...it's a good thing I'm not on anti-psychotics.

You can't do my refill until tomorrow? Because of some "30 in 24 days" insurance rule? No exceptions, even if I'm traveling the entire next week, including the day I will run out of medication that very clearly states on the actual bottle not to miss a day? 

Ok, fine, I'll just pay for it then. Yes, I can get it if I just pay for it....how bad can that be? It is a generic. $140. You've got to be kidding me, for a generic?!? Ok, can you just give me a week's worth then? No? Because that's not what the prescription is for and then the insurance wouldn't cover the remainder when I get back....and so on and so in circles.

And I'm a lucky one, I have "health insurance"...or as I like to call it "Expensive, Systematic Roadblock to Actual Care Organization".

I wonder what my medication would cost if it were truly on an open market with fair competition, and not dictated by what amounts to a racketeering monopoly? Probably twenty bucks. 

Crockpot Chronicles

I DO need one of those locking-lid, traveling crock pots! Behold, the Turkey Rice and Cranberry soup prepared for a harrowing journey in the back seat to work.
 

The Gross Out Award

I sell used furniture. There's no getting around that. I was on site today for my first sizable installation of workstations--there to go over the design plan with the installers, watch the offload process, learn and ...clean. By the time they get to the next customer, workstation components will have bumps and bruises and be in need of a cleaning--but at less than a third the cost of new (and green too!), that's ok. Boogers, however, are not ok. Someone sat at their desk for years (literally years), picked their nose and wiped it on the bottom of the pencil drawer. The flaky, crusty, smearing mess was spectacularly on display when the desk was staged on its end as it was being moved into it's new home. And yes, I had to scrub brush it off.

Storm Warning

Even if the bedroom window had not been open, the thunderstorm earlier this week would have woken me. It was a huge, booming monster of a storm--at one point, the thunder following the lightning by only one second--it was right above the house. I was dreaming when it began, and as the windows rattled from the wind, the storm became intertwined in my dream. As did Buncle Tom's midget story told the previous afternoon. Correction: Buncle Tom's FAMOUS midget story. The story is not famous, the midget was. Back to my story: in my waking and yet still dreaming mind, the storm was Dorothy's tornado, whirling with Oz characters including aforementioned midget, all wielding menacing commercial table legs.

What Have I Done?

Some days, there's just no escaping the feeling that I've made a huge mistake.

X-hell

I took an all-day Excel class today, and loved it. Not that I love Excel--that stuff was written by the devil--but I loved learning to understand it. We work with a beast of a spreadsheet at work for quoting (hundreds of parts, hundreds of parts, hundreds of parts, hundreds of parts, hundreds of parts) and every time I opened it, a part of my brain would physically explode. When the garish colors, non-sensical math symbols and endless rows of gibberish came up on the screen I could feel a slippery cheese curd chunk of my brain splurt against the side of my skullbone in protest. Not to mention the faint fluttering sound of my artistic soul struggling for air. Of course, the nic-fits probably contribute to this sensation, but I swear, that worksheet is the junkiest bit of business I've ever seen. Is it wrong to be itching to get to work to look at it now with educated eyes? And want to make more spreadsheets, more spreadsheets, more spreadsheets?

Worse Than Greek

I figured out, at last, what's been frustrating me at work about the flow, communication, data, information retrieval, order entry, etc...it's a PC world, and I'm a MAC! Excel. Ugh. Windows. Double Ugh. Blackberry. Ugh Ugh Ugh. Devices don't speak to each other, everything needs another ap that then needs a new ap to run...and the instructions are written in an assumptive tone, without a thought to the end user's frame of reference. Templates don't work on Blackberry, Great Plains won't email reports ....nothing is intuitive--there are rough seams everywhere. And it all takes twice as long to accomplish something half as useful. Not to mention taking twice as many people---it all breaks my golden work rule--Touch Something Once. (and only once!) HOW DO PEOPLE WORK THIS WAY?!?!?

Do You Have To Go?

The First of What Will Most Likely Be Many Humiliations

I'm the winner of this week's email contact contest, "Uncle/Boss" Tom gives me my reward. God help me, the man is cheesy.

So Long Portland

A night out with co-workers, a send off to Wisconsin. Someone brought a cheesehead, literally.

Big Ol' To Do List

-get new job. Check. -quit current job. Check. -upgrade AAA membership. Check. -give 30 day notice to landlord. Check. -do walk through with landlord. Check. -find new apartment! -get snow tires. -get oil change and 50k mile tune up. -get dog tuned up. -get quotes for moving containers/transport. Check. -get DOT street permits for moving containers. Check. -get rid of half the shit I own. -clean out storage space. -cancel/move electric, cable, phone. -completely freak out at overwhelming list of things to do!

It Will Be Good To Be Home

It's amazing--I never knew I still had so many friends still back in Wisconsin! What a perfect time to join Facebook---I've been 'friended' by so many familiar faces! I'm searching high and low for an apartment in Milwaukee. Portland is so dog-friendly, I'd forgotten that other towns aren't so keen on your four legged friend sharing the apartment. The right one will come along, but it's frustrating to be turned away when everyone knows that dog owners are far superior people, and very desirable renters. Who else will pick up steaming poo first thing in the morning? Isn't that just the kind of person you want as a tenant? For those who don't know, I'm moving back to Wisconsin. I had to leave my current job, the market being what it is, and I've been wanting to get back to 'home' or at least near family for a few years now. I was originally aiming for Chicago, but the dart landed a little higher, and a little closer to a dairy farm. As it turns out, I'm probably going to love Milwaukee. Because we lived in Fond du Lac, and visited Chicago so often for our 'big city' fix, we rarely went to Milwaukee when I was growing up. As a third grader, I toured a brewery on a field trip, but that was about the extent of my knowledge of the place. The more research I do, the more I see that it has a heck of a lot in common with Portland--they are such similiar cities in fact, you could call it Portland North. The same population (Milwauke is 20k bigger), similiar demographics, similiar industry/business base, similiar neighborhoods (Pearl District=Third Ward, Riverfront=Riverfront, Shorewood=Sellwood, Brady Street = NW 23rd, Downer Street = Hawthorne, and on and on). Swap the mountains for the lake, rain for snow, and you've got the same place! Bonus, it's only an hour and half from Chicago...and all the Quinlans!