girl at large

These Are The Best Days

Today three-year-old Charlie grasped me from behind with both of his little stick arms, buried his face in my ass crack and said “Your butt is amaaaaaazing!”

Happy Birthday me.

Dad Jokes

Thanksgiving at the Osthoff, 2019.

This is the first weekend away that we forgot to pack the stroller...and turns out we don’t need it. Another parenting milestone. Paulie has also reached a new level...a new level of Dadness.

We treated ourselves to a couples massage.

Me: “This will be fun, we’ve never done a “couple” thing before!”

Paulie: “Sure we have, we have a “couple” of kids!”

ba dum bum

Thanksgiving Wishes

It was a year ago next week that we packed up and moved into the temporary ‘partment (as Charlie called it) across the street so that our entire first floor could be gutted and an actual kitchen installed. We crossed our fingers that we had chosen the contractor wisely, grateful we could finally take the leap and do it. 

This year I am grateful daily for the comfort, the function, the new found CLEAN that is our now lovely home. It is a dream, a six years long wish, a vision come true.

But can I get one more holiday wish?

Recipes. Actual recipes. Not blogs, not editorials, not profiles, not photo essays. I don’t care how you FEEL about the turnips Bethany, I. just. want. the. recipe.

Imagine if Aunt Fern had used fifteen index cards for the ambrosia.

Home Is Where The Mortgage Is

 

This fall’s early snow delayed taking the best “After” shots, but I don’t hate the way it camouflaged the crummy roof. The house exterior looks amazing, but it’s 58 degrees and breezy inside. Next year, storm windows. The year after that, condo.

Mama’s Little Acorn

Charlie is at my favorite age (so far). He wants to be a helper, his language is exploding, and he still wants to cuddle. He is also a smart ass.

I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to understand what a “cat load” is and why the absence of one would cause so much distress and so many tears. Catalog. He wanted the catalog. 

After that was resolved, and our Sunday morning was once again peaceful, I asked him to clean up his playroom:

“No, Mama, I’m not available”.

Come Out with Tits Swinging

A middle-aged dude just rolled up in his Mercedes, slowed down, pulled close to the curb, and TOSSED HIS GARBAGE BOTTLE IN MY COMPOST BIN. I am over 45, bra-less in a nightgown and slippers and I am enraged. All I need is curlers and you can see the picture. I ran out to the street. If I'd been faster and if it wasn't so early in the morning, I would have thrown it back at his sedan and yelled. This is what home ownership does to a person.

 

My favorite part of these incidents is that SHOREWOOD IS REALLY SMALL. Dude, I know your car. Dude, I know YOU.

 

I'm currently taking suggestions for the note I'll leave when I return the bottle to the hood of his car. Nice detail: the bottle is full of HIS SUNFLOWER SEED SHELLS.

 

Also, currently taking suggestions on paint colors for the house trim. Home ownership has many curses.

Resting Mom Face

 

I’m in my chair having a beer.

 

Viv just asked me to come see if the tv show she wants to watch is one we have to pay for. 

 

I gave her my phone to go take a picture of the tv screen and walk it back over to me. 

 

My parenting skills have peaked.

 

This Is Your Brain On Anxiety

Mama, making pancakes: “Viv, is it one egg or two? I can never remember”

Viv: “One. It’s one egg.”

Charlie, running past at top speed, naked:  “Or TWO, maybe TWO!”

Still Life with Fake Poop

It’s hard to have the energy at the end of a work day, when you’ve given all your “nice” to everyone else, to listen to a toddler tell a story. It’s impossible to remember the cute thing a kid said a day later. I’m hoping my camera lens and a few zingers we managed to capture on paper will be enough to remind us years from now (should we survive that long) of that time the kids did that thing once with the stuff at that place.

Also, it will always be “Butt Lightyear”.

Traffic and Weather Together on the 8s

Charliepants: "Mama, can you put on your talking show?".

Mama,smiling and thinking: See, all the NPR will pay off. Screw Paulie and his Arthur and his singalongs and his knowing all the names on Paw Patrol. Little kids DO like the things I like. I AM a fun mom.

"Oh honey, do you like mama's talking show?" 

Charliepants: "No, YOU do."

 

The Days Are So Long, The Years So Fast

When I give him food that is hot, with the predictable parental warning—“wait for it to cool down honey”, Charlie says “Warm, Mama, warm. I’m going to wait for it to get WARM.” 

Happy Birthday Charlie.

You adorable little shit.

 

Papa’s Day

A little tidbit to share in honor of my kids papa whom I could not have done a better job selecting. (Yes, I turned that accolade right back to myself. Sorry not sorry I’m really proud of that accomplishment; ie: powering through my fertile thirties solo and happy).

Me: “Thanks for picking up greek food, that’s just what I needed, I’m so tired from work tonight.”

Charming Husband: “Not all gyros wear capes!”

 

Always Believe The Kids

I just found out that what the kids call “Night Cat”, the creature I assumed was an imaginary figure of bedtime story imaginations and toddler conversations, is in fact, real. And now I have to move.

No Mama

”Whatcha doing?”

”Just hanging out.”

”No Mama! We are hanging IN. We are IN the house”.

 

Also I Have Toast In My Pocket Right Now

A millennial recently asked me what it’s like to have kids and be married. In summary: 

”Hey, look how cute these undies I got at Costco are!”

No One Right Way To Do It

I’m stuck. I’m mentally obsessing with work things I can’t control, that don’t really matter in the big picture, and in general my big picture is currently very hard to see. Now that the house is (mostly) done and the local election is over, I don’t have anything new to put my rushing brain to. I’m feeling a bit like a gerbil on a wheel. Lots of energy, no direction.

This isn’t unusual for me, it comes with the spring daylight (SAD likes to fuck with you coming and going). It too shall pass.

In the meantime, maybe I can try my kids approach to living in the moment and going with the flow.

On the other hand, maybe I should just teach them how to use a damn slide. 

Yellow Flag

The ruckus was terrible. Stomping feet up the stairs, the sound of the high pressure shower setting splashing water everywhere, the unmistakable whine of a resisting toddler.

What on earth is going on?

After some intervention, my best soothing voice and a little triage—it was poop. 

“Honey, poop is not an emergency”.

”It is when it happens during qualifying!!”

Point taken.

Totally Under Control

We’re on hour two of Easter basket amusement. Who says kids don’t like post it notes and twist ties? Also, Paulie is barfing downstairs. In the bathroom that has plastic garbage bags taped up on the walls where we ripped out the shower tile.  {Sips coffee}

Sounds About Right

 (photo cred Vivi)

Me: “You said ‘Aldi’s’ little while ago, now there’s an Aldi ad in my feed. I’ve never had an Aldi ad before.”

Mom: “So what?”

Me: “It’s listening, I swear the devices are listening”

Mom: “What? Ooh, that’s spooky....”

Also Mom: holds up iPad, “SEX!”

You Are A Beautiful Thing

Sunday is baking day at home.

”I like cookies when they are warm because they are soft. Soft cookies are better for sneaking up on people, because you can still have a snack while you are doing your sneaking, but because they aren’t crunchy, they can’t hear you.”

Worth It

     We are moved back in to the house, the temporary apartment has been emptied and cleaned. I still have boxes and boxes to go through in the basement, as well as furniture to move upstairs and art to rehang. Paulie is chipping away at painting ceilings, touching up walls, reinstalling blinds and installing light fixtures. But overall, it’s done. The kitchen, done. The mud room, done. The back family room, done. The floors, done. The Book Shower, done. 

    When I captured this moment, I thought, “Worth every penny”. And then I noticed it was Captain Underpants, and I thought, well, can’t win em all.

 

And Then Everybody Clapped

Some moments with toddlers are unforgettable, some are unbelievable, and some are one hundred percent the legacy of Pat Mikkelsen’s child rearing.

Me: “Oh Charlie, you are so fucking beautiful!”

Charlie: “Mama, you’re fucking beautiful every day!”

This Is Why We’re Married and I Love You

I’m standing in a contraption that stretches my calf and foot to relieve the pain of my plantar fasciitis, stretching my arms up along the wall, wishing for help to pull the ache out.

Me: ”Remember when they used to put people on the rack? Wouldn’t that feel good now?”

Paulie: “And throw a little heat underneath it” 

The Bright Side

Just when I feel overwhelmed by risk and debt and responsibilities, a little voice reminds me of how good we’ve got it.

Me, scooping up apple cores, baby wipes and Culver's bags: “Man, this car is a mess”.

Viv: ”At least it doesn't smell like old cheese anymore”.

Making The Best of It

In an effort to make a temporary, rather bleak one bedroom apartment more tolerable for the family, especially over the holiday, I’ve been thinking we will have some fun and try to make it a little adventure. 

 

Mama: ”Honey, let’s make the little apartment fun, we can decorate it anyway we want. How about a theme from one of your books?”

 

Viv: “Can it be Oliver Twist?

 

Baseline Overwhelmed

I have a sheet of stickers. Charlie comes over, asks for a sticker, gets a sticker and waddles in to the next room. In that room, he folds the sticker. A minute later, he is back, waving his hand around with the half folded sticker stuck to it and proclaiming that the sticker is broken. He asks for another sticker; I oblige.

We have passed an hour this way. And it is just about the right speed of activity and responsibility I can handle right now. The house construction starts on Tuesday. I am not ready. My brain is broken. Can I have another?

Little Monsters

Viv: “Are you going to do my scary face?”

 

Mama: “Yes, I’ll do it.”

 

“Are you sure you can?”

 

“Yes, I’m pretty sure I can make you look like Frankenstein.”

 

“Hmm, well, I recommend watching some youtube videos first.”

 

I’ve literally created a monster.

 

#imnotworthy

Tonight is Charliepant’s first night in his big kid bed. While I was doing laundry or Facebooking or reading or something, Paulie made him his very own cardboard version of Bert & Ernie’s headboards.

Because, as Charlie says: ERNIEBERT! ERNIEBERT! ERNIEBERT!

(Also, as I write this, Viv is sitting next to his new bed reading him a night night story because she “likes spending time with him”). 

What They See

It’s been an exhausting few weeks.

My community is in an uproar over the highschool production of To Kill A Mockingbird, which exposed the school’s ugly power dynamic, ineffective school board governance, and of course, very loud obnoxious white lady style racism.

We spent a week vacationing with family up north, with all the emotional weight, good and bad, that entails. Note: vacationing with a six year old and a two year old is not vacationing; it’s a trip away, yes, but not a vacation.The school district’s survey to gain support for a $55m to $120m referendum came out (I’m part of a small group trying to get the financial facts and consequences out to the public). I somehow got myself on the Beautification committee of the PTO. There are fliers to hand out, doors to knock on and troops to rally. And parent teacher conferences were on Thursday.

Oh, and while we’re were at it we refinanced the house, with all the paperwork and worry that involves. On Wednesday, after five years of doing everything else ourselves in this fixer upper, we finally signed the construction contract for the complete gutting renovation of the kitchen and first floor. Good grief. Also, I guess I really live here now.

I’ve spent a lot of time these past two weeks thinking about what I want my kids to be exposed to, what kind of community I want them to grow up in, how my values aren’t always reflected in this village.

I’ve also been caught out a few times on my own internal village, how we don’t always live our values right here in this house. Teacher conferences gave me a glimpse of Viv’s world (all week she’s been telling her class stories of the wonderful time she had at the cottage!). I’m freshly aware of how we talk to each other as Charlie explores the boundaries of being a bossy two year old, tests out “No!”, and imitiates Mama and Papa with his dollies. I’m not always proud of what is reflected. 

But, I learn. And I grow. And when ashamed, I try really hard to step forward with new approaches instead of retreating into old habits.

In the end, when they are grown and reflect on their upbringing, I hope their view of their family is like Viv’s clandestine photo portrait of us. There we are, tired and resigned. But together, and with faint smiles on our faces. At the table with each other and not too much yelling.

We Met for the First Time Six Years Ago Today

You are six years old today, and right now you are a humid little lump sleeping next to me in Mama’s bed. “Mama Time” you call it. 

It’s been six years, but I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing. Each time I get confident, each time I get the routine down, you go and change on me. In the proverbial leaps and bounds you make your way through stages of childhood, often leaving me behind in the cliche dust. 

But I do know these things:

Your first best friend was named Julian and you greeted each other with a hug every day and cried when you had to part.

You say Gwanma. And Nonna. And have never confused the two.

You want to be a monkey when you grow up. And also a teacher. And a race car driver.

You are 100% right when you say pants with pockets only in the back are stupid.

Charlie will never have a better guide than you.

You own your Papa’s heart, and almost more importantly, his growth from a pretty darn good person to an amazing person.

You bite your nails, out of nervousness, and I worry about that. But you also are trying to quit, of your own choice, and quitting a habit is the hardest thing a human brain can do. So if you can’t, I got you. That goes for every thing. Every single thing.

 

On Rage

It's been a tough week. After yet another well-meaning person displayed lack of insight on the subject of Kavanaugh's impending appointment to the Supreme Court, I'm exhausted. Three times I said "or, it could just be enough that he assaulted someone". Three times, and still the return comment was "yeah, but also he's a drunk, and he lied, and...". Yes. I get it, all those things are also true. But why wave your hand and shoo away the sexual assault? Why is that not enough? And why, as I stand here saying to your face, very clearly, that it SHOULD be enough, can you not stop and hear me? Hear me, as a woman, as a person who is affected, who has experienced this, and take it in. Listen.

Every time you say "Aside from the  sexual assault allegations, he's also unqualified because xyz"...What you're saying is that credible sexual assault allegations aren't enough to disqualify someone from a position of power and influence. And I can't hear that shit anymore. CREDIBLE SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS ARE ENOUGH TO DISQUALIFY ANYONE FROM A JOB. When will we be heard? Every single time someone says "Why didn't they say anything?", this is the perfect example. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER. ALSO WE DID SAY SOMETHING AND YOU DISMISSED IT IN THIS AND A HUNDRED OTHER WAYS. Well-meaning men have been doing this kind of thing all week, and even my favorite well-meaning male allies can just eat it right now on that. Thank you and that is all.

Makes Perfect Sense

“I want a baby but I don’t want to make one so I will go out and buy one because I’ll be be rich because I’ll work at night too. I don’t want to make a baby because I don’t want to feel the pain when it comes out or when the baby kicks me. And I know it’s not really buying, there’s an orphanage or something like Oliver. Does it have to be a newborn?”

Goals

“I want to be Frankenstein for Halloween. Or maybe the Hulk. Can I get the jacket with the edges? I’d wear it with no shirt. Or if I’m the Hulk I only need short pants with the edges.”

“So, basically you want to be green in torn clothing.”

“Actually, I want to be green, and strong, and mostly naked”.

Actually.

 

It Takes A Village

I got called out this week for suggesting that the monarch butterflies that survived, survived because of my care. Nope, they did not. I had, in fact, very little to do with it. For the record:

Our neighbor friend gave us a chrysalis earlier this summer, from her butterfly garden. We watched it hatch and released a huge female monarch, very exciting. I thanked the friend, and mentioned that I planned to plant milkweed so we could maybe have some monarchs of our own next year.

Sure enough, a few days later she dropped off a milkweed plant for us to have! It was in a temporary pot, so I plunked it on the shelf and mentally scheduled its planting for “later, after I do all the other things like getting the toddler to stop yelling ERNIEBERT ERNIEBERT ERNIEBERT at the top of his lungs”).

I was working at my sunroom desk one day, when a huge fuzzy caterpillar suddenly appeared on my keyboard and scooted his way across my work. What the?! Turns out the plant had eggs, and now a few warm interior weeks later, we have four caterpillars!

I put the plant outside, complete with it’s four new tenants and called Mom. I had no idea what to do, or frankly if there was anything required to do except put them outside. I’m a naturalist. I naturally think all living things belong outside, you know, with the nature. Don’t they figure it out themselves?

Turns out, there’s more to it. In order to get caterpillars from fuzzy worm to chrysalis to butterfly in large numbers, they need some protection. The next day, when I got home from work, I saw that Mom had brought over a monarch box and put the caterpillars and milkweed stems inside their new safe little habitat. Mom MADE the monarch box, with the monarch group at the senior center because you know, she’s lived here half as long as me but knows everyone and does everything and is the queen of the village. 

All is good. Until the hungry little buggers eat all the leaves, stripping the milkweed to nothing but stalks. Mom knew this would happen and had already rallied the troops. Her darling friend Julie brought over some of her own milkweed leaves, taking the time to deliver them to mom before she went to her own family outing (!). 

Cool, crisis averted. So in the evening, I put the box up on the table on the porch to better view the creatures and see when they attach themselves to the top and start their metamorphosis. And I go to bed, and to work and to bed and to work again and think nothing of it.

Mom scolds me after she moves the box from the exposed table top to the floor, and puts a plastic cover on the top to protect it and its delicate inhabitants from the howling storm and three days of rain. Oops.

Now safely sheltered, they do their acrobatic cocooning thing, and dangle for another ten days in the corner. We count only three chrysalis, the fourth probably lost to the weather. As Viv nonchalantly said “it’s probably dead”. 

Fortunately for us, the monarchs appeared over Labor Day weekend, so we could enjoy the sight as they unfolded their glorious wings. And during the only bit of sunshine we’d had all weekend, even better.

So, there’s the whole story. I take no credit for the successful hatching of these monarch butterflies. As I said, it’s a miracle they survived me. 

What a lucky bunch of bugs we are.

Uh oh, I’ve Got Another One

Two-year old Charlie is talking, waddling, and goofing his way through toddlerhood.

“I love you Charlie”

“I love you too, Mama”

“Charlie, where does love come from?” (This is reference to a favorite bedtime book, I expected a hand gesture over his heart).

“Right here, from my butt”. (as he pat pats on the front of his diaper)