People, including friends and family, will become afraid of you. Afraid of the mortality you represent, afraid of what to say, afraid to acknowledge your tragedy.
Other people, sometimes surprising ones, will step forward into the uncomfortable space and be there for you.
Paper gowns fit no one.
There’s a secret code for getting a complaint, especially a pain one, taken seriously. You must say it at least twice. So rather than wait a week in between appointments, complain loudly and repeatedly at the first opportunity.
People take the easiest path. If I had been able to schedule my mammogram screening right in my obgyns office rather than have to visit a website that wasn’t working and then call a separate location that put me on hold for twenty minutes after which I gave up and forgot about it for a year…well, I might have caught it “earlier” and suffered slightly less. Like programs that automatically enroll folks in a 401k, with an opt out method rather than opt in, it should be designed for the imperfect human users that we are. It would save more lives if providers directly scheduled important routine screenings while you are still in your doctors office, still in that ill fitting gown.
The radiation machine looks like an enormous kitchen aid mixer.
Chemo and other breast cancer treatments can affect even your eyesight! Generally, the treatments will leave lasting changes to your body. Even those that “beat it” will live the rest of their days with painful side effects, medication reactions and surgery limitations. Our grief for the body we last had on the ultrasound table is deep and lasting.
I’m not claustrophobic, I just don’t like CT, MRI and PET tubes. If it was a spa bed, a tanning bed, even a middle row airplane seat, I’m ok. Scan tubes make random horrible noises, slide you in and out and sometimes oddly up without warning, like you're a hot dog on a malfunctioning 7-11 machine.
Straws are your friend, I underestimated them.
Staging is misunderstood. It’s not only about time, size or spread. It’s mostly about biology—the type of cancer cells. Take that + cell grade + cell growth speed + cell hormone receptor status + location + size + spread and then you get the stage. But stage is not the same as expected outcome. It is only helpful in planning the treatment, and even then, it’s the biology that’s informs most of that. It’s main purpose is in tracking statistics for hundreds of thousands of patients over decades. Stage is your Breast Cancer ID, it is not you, it is not your prognosis. It’s not even a complete view of your disease. *Except stage IV.
*Stage IV is the redheaded step child, the thinnest last chapter of every breast cancer book, the island on which I found myself. Because stage IV breast cancer diagnosis is so closely associated with time (vs biology and location), it’s loaded with guilt and shame. The emphasis on “early detection” over the last two decades has been lifesaving, but also detrimental. Detection is detection, and disease should be detected as soon as it’s possible, and sometimes it’s just not possible before it’s location or size is beyond the region of the breast. And that can happen between mammograms, that can happen, with some kinds of tumor biology, in just months. And without a single symptom. Which brings me to…
Lumps. Yeah, most breast cancer patients never felt one. Most obgyns didn’t feel them. Mine didn’t. I had four tumors, never felt a single one, even after I had an MRI SHOWING ME EXACTLY where they were. They were only 2cm, and deep in my tissue. Self exams are being phased out by the worlds top two breast cancer authorities. Relying on self exams should not be a thing. Self awareness,however, that is a thing. If you notice a change in skin texture, size, nipple shape or pulling in/staying erect, or of course a lump, go in to your doctor for a screening.
You get stupid rewards like bell ringing and certificates because they can’t give you a clean bill of health. That’s not a thing for most breast cancers. Even the acronym is depressing…NED, No Evidence of Disease. Not No Disease, they best they can say is no proof of it. Which also means no proof that it’s not there.
Surgical drains are strange! They are REVERSE IRRIGATION TUBES INSIDE YOUR BODY. Shudder.
White breast cancer is different than Black breast cancer. Screening rates, detection rates, survival rates, and treatment outcomes are all significantly lower in the Black population. That has to change. I don’t know how to help that happen, but I’m learning how to pay attention to it. Asking the question “How are you addressing the disparity?” of every organization I’m working with or touched by in this process is a place to start.
Staying Flat, (not having breast mound reconstruction) is not a de facto option provided at all mastectomy consultations. Most patients have to ask for it, and many still face a horrible disfiguring assault on their body called Flat Denial, where the breast and/or plastic surgeon leaves large flaps of empty skin behind during surgery “in case you change your mind”. This happens even when patients clearly request Flat without reconstruction. Flat is a very valid, and very healthy (fewer surgeries, no foreign objects, no risk of infection or complications) choice. Advocates are working hard to educate both patients and providers, but it shouldn’t be so hard.
Diarrhea comes in so many many forms. Who knew?
All the providers assume I’ll want falsies. Nope. Flat is good. They even say things like “but insurance covers them!”. Um, ok, but thats still not a good enough deal.
The “at least” trap is inescapable. I hate it when people say it to me. “At least you caught it now”, “at least you have support”, etc. I hate it. And yet, I caught myself saying it just the other day. I think it is a natural human instinct to find the thing that can make something survivable, to grasp for that buoy. Perhaps our language around it is lacking. I will have more grace next time.
Where are my nipples? Like, what do they do with them?
