I’ve written and rewritten todays post, alternating between feeling bold and feeling uncomfortable. Here goes bold:
Abortion made me a good mother. When I was 17, my birth control failed. I knew immediately that abortion was my choice. I knew I was supposed to feel bad about it, and I did some performative dramatics about it, but truly all I actually felt was deep relief. And a little embarrassment.. I WAS careful, I did know how to prevent it, I thought I did everything right. It still happened.
But what didn’t happen, thanks to a legal abortion clinic in my state, and a wonderful doctor and nurse team who cared for me with respect and kindness, was the implosion of my life. Or my boyfriends life. He went to college, I went and did my thing. We avoided poverty, disrupted education, coerced marriage and a handful of other negative things. Also we didn’t have a child. Because we didn’t want one. And that was my right. My choice, and the absolute right choice for me.
Ten years later, it was the right choice again. Again, I was careful, and it happened anyway. This time was harder, I was older and “should” have been ready, but my boyfriend was not supportive, and I was broke, drinking a lot, and suffering with depression. I felt a little bit worse than the first time, but mostly because I loved a guy who didn’t love me back the same. I knew, again with relief, that I made the right choice. I couldn’t parent then, and not with him.
Another ten years after that, I have a wanted pregnancy that ends in a miscarriage almost immediately. Then, quickly after that, a successful pregnancy and my family begins. The family I knew I could support, knew my body and mind could handle. The family I could never have had if I was a teenage mom or an unstable parent.
Why do I even need to explain or defend myself? Self determination, the ability to decide if and when to reproduce, was fundamental to my life, to my growth and ability to be a contributing, stable person in this world. It was my body, my life, my health, my path to choose.
That has been taken from us, taken from our kids. I thought it couldn’t happen, but here we are. I don’t know the path ahead, how we restore our full rights. I know that I am grateful for the people who fought before me, and I am indebted to them, for the realization of my full potential, and for my beautiful family.