girl at large

Holy Crap That Was Awful

This is the first three week cycle where I didn’t get the cytotoxic chemo drug in my infusion.

I had no idea.

I don’t think I really grasped how sick I was even on my “good days”. There was a predictable rhythm the fourth, fifth and sixth cycles—I was “fine” for three days after infusion (thanks to steroids which had their own awful side effects but made me feel false energy), then sick for ten days and then “ok” for seven days before the next round.

I was not fine. I was not ok. 

Today is the first day I feel like I did in September. Less a few side effects still lingering (neuropathy, finger nails, cold bald ass head) of course.

I can’t explain how chemo toxicity inhabits your entire body. And when it’s absent, your entire body is released. Like childbirth, I can already see the visceral memories of my chemo side effects fading. The suffering of this treatment phase is over, my energy is returning. 

Don't tell Paul yet, I want dinner in bed again tonight.

Spring Is Coming

 

This is the time of year we usually plan our spring break road trip. Me, Mom, Viv and my copy of Historic Hotels of American hitting the road. Last year, we canceled at the last minute as COVID was closing in and states were closing down. This year I hoped to do a localized version, perhaps a trip along the Mississippi River in western Wisconsin. But I hadn’t booked anything yet, because you know...cancer.

After five months of chemo, this week was scan week. Monday was my PET scan, Tuesday we got the results. As my oncologist said, in his very understated way, the results are “a dramatic improvement”.

The tumors are gone. The lymph nodes, all of them, are clear of cancerous activity. Gone.

It’s the best possible result from chemotherapy. It’s most likely because my breast cancer type is known to respond so well to the HER2neu agents combined with the chemo drug. The care team will be proceeding “like they would with someone who is stage 3”.

I’ve been absorbing the news, staring at the images. Already, I’m inundated with information about next steps, doctors appointments to be confirmed, calls and texts to schedule surgery. It’s all happening fast, like the initial diagnosis. The first lesson of cancer is it controls your schedule. 

I may have been pulled from the brink, but I can’t pull anything past Mom!

As I explained that my surgery will be scheduled for the middle or end of March...

“So no trip then?”

 

A Good Day

Thank you Internet, today was a good day. We managed three big wins you and me together:

I successfully won a medical billing dispute.

We completed the registry for Viv’s two week summer camp.

And best of all, Mom got her vaccine!

It’s been a very good day. I’m going to bed now to savor the relief.