This is the first three week cycle where I didn’t get the cytotoxic chemo drug in my infusion.
I had no idea.
I don’t think I really grasped how sick I was even on my “good days”. There was a predictable rhythm the fourth, fifth and sixth cycles—I was “fine” for three days after infusion (thanks to steroids which had their own awful side effects but made me feel false energy), then sick for ten days and then “ok” for seven days before the next round.
I was not fine. I was not ok.
Today is the first day I feel like I did in September. Less a few side effects still lingering (neuropathy, finger nails, cold bald ass head) of course.
I can’t explain how chemo toxicity inhabits your entire body. And when it’s absent, your entire body is released. Like childbirth, I can already see the visceral memories of my chemo side effects fading. The suffering of this treatment phase is over, my energy is returning.
Don't tell Paul yet, I want dinner in bed again tonight.