the great American soul-crushing Mall

when ever i dislike a job (or miss having one!), i shall think of Pretzel Boy and immediately feel better. (warning to those with sensitive dispositions--lots of f**ks and c**ksuckers in that rant link). my suckiest job duties and the stupid things people say in the wonderful world of retail: measuring men's OUTseams for rental tuxedos: No, I'm not going to measure your INseam, and no, I haven't heard that request a thousand times before. ha ha. and no matter how much you suck in your stomach and thrust out your pelvis, I am not going to look up and eye your 'package'. nice try buddy. bank teller: Certainly Sir, you're so funny and clever, I'll give you a million dollars right now! Here you go! Have a nice day! steaming clothes in the back room of JCPenney: still have a scar of a row of steamer head dots on leg. not a funny way to initiate the new girl. though that putting the tagging gun through my finger, now that was a laugh riot. massing out Christmas ornaments, the overnight shift: i am waaay over the glitter makeup thing. selling high-end kids shoes to yuppie brats and their toddlers: me, squatting on floor, wrangling three year old boy into $100 Italian dress loafers: "Ok, Billy, here we go." uptight mother: "His NAME is WILLIAM. WILL-IAM." poor bastard. selling high-end shoes to PC-paranoid yuppie Madisonions: pedicures people! pedicures! and no, there is no such thing as recycled Italian leather mules. unless you try the Salvation Army down the street--just follow the scent of patchouli. cleaning apartments: here's a tip folks--your cleaning lady is on to you..being nice and tidy and clean the first visit when you are getting a time/cost quote is not cool. not when with every week after you become more and more slovenly. clearing bathtub drains of pube clogs is extra. interior design consulting: just because you bought one chest of drawers (the cheapest we sell) six months ago does not mean you can call me at home at 8am on my day off and ask me what color toss pillows you should buy--cherry red or tomato red. get cherry tomato red for all i care! you're calling me (at home!) from ANOTHER STORE for crying out loud! how did you get my home number anyway?!? handling bridal registry shoppers at housewares store: You're going to the wedding and you don't know the name of the bride OR the groom? um, no, the computer can't "tell me that". and knowing the first name of the bride's stepmother's first husband isn't a big help.