A Christmas Tale

a number of years ago i was living in Madison, Wisconsin, going to night art school and working as a personal banker (glorified teller). it was a crystal cold winter, the trees sparkling with ice, fields brown and bare, charming red barns visible just behind my beige-box post-divorce apartment complex. my first year out of retail in what felt like a decade, i was blessed with my own personal Christmas miracle--two days off for the holiday AND a rumored holiday bonus. talk of the bonus was rampant between branches--would it be bigger than last year? would it be cash? would it be a percentage of salary? after weeks of drooling anticipation (and count the chickens before they hatch over-spending), the day finally arrived. Joe the Money Guy (he delivered the actual bags of cash and coin in a Brinks truck as well as inter-branch mail and paychecks, he was beloved) rolled his handcart into the lobby. loaded with hams. hams. of the 20 pound variety. what the hell can a single girl do with twenty pounds of honey-baked ham? i was driving into Chicago for Christmas with the family. well, i'll just bring it with me for the family. maybe they can find a use for it. there are lots of them. they eat. my dependable econo-box loaded with gifts, sandbags and the ham, i headed out in the morning freeze. three or four miles into the three hour journey, the roll-thud-roll-smack-thud of a ham on the loose in the back seat was more than i could bear. it wasn't keeping time with Grandma Got Runover by a Reindeer on the radio. so, i put The Ham in the empty front passenger seat and strapped it in (safety first!). by Waukegan it was turning into a 'Wilson' and Tom Hanks in Castaway moment. the bemused toll booth operators were very accomodating. no extra charge for the ham. i gave The Ham to Grandma Mickey, she of the Depression-era eating and feeding habits. she made good use of it i hear--the entire neighborhood was sussed for ham sandwiches well into the spring thaw. she sent me a check a week later for $20. on the memo line: 'Christmas Bonus'.